Redefining Me

I have always felt there were many versions of me. Each person I know brings out a different side of my personality. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband when I not only realised that I loved him, but I loved the person I became when I was with him.

I feel like each place I have lived has transformed and redefined me. My experience in Korea was shaped by being on the outside looking in. There's no hiding being a foreigner in Korea. People stare and point. Young people say hello and then run away giggling. My body language changed. I bowed
all the time.

Dubai taught me how to open and close my eyes at the same time. I learned not to offer to shake hands with men, but holding hands with women was fine. Rules are often applied depending on who you are and which passport you hold, so I mostly lived knowing that rules didn't really apply to me, or at least knowing which ones did and which ones could be conveniently ignored.

One of the challenges of adapting to life back in Canada is figuring out how to be myself in the confines of the framework of Canadian society. It seems like I charged into Dubai like a bull. Things happened quickly. Being bold worked for me. Halifax is more of an easing. There’s no pushing your way into Atlantic Canada. It will let you in when it’s good and ready.

It is taking some time to shed my Dubai skin – the person I became there is still very much a part of me. You don’t let go of seven years in Arabia in a few months.

I'm much more conservative now. The Dubai-me sees young women and girls wearing next to nothing and thinks ‘put some clothes on’. I’m not saying women should walk around in burkas, but I don’t think overly sexualizing ourselves is any more liberating. Perhaps that's just me getting older.

I’m getting used to being able to touch my husband in public. Even hand-holding can be frowned on in Dubai, so kissing goodbye in public or walking with our arms around each other is something I am relearning and enjoying.

I’m also learning to look at people again. As a woman, walking through the streets of Dubai, there is a whole world of unwanted male attention waiting to be had. I learned that it was easier to avoid eye-contract than to deal with the stares and gestures. I looked down, pretending not to see.

In Dubai I was a photojournalist. I knew a lot of people. They knew me. Here, I’m a temp. I know very few people. No one knows who I am.

So here I am, 10 months into my move back to Canada, trying to figure out who I am again and how this place will leave it's stamp on me. I left Dubai because I needed my life to be different from what it was. Every day I feel like I'm getting a closer to that goal, but it is a slow process and I'm not a patient person.